The persons and stories contained within this text may be ficticious. Not all the stories are true and some are second hand, or rumours or even just plain made up. The characters may also not be real or perhaps are real but with made up names.

The following may or may not have happened sometime between the dates of March 29th and April 1st.
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March 29th 18:36pm

The mobile goes off in the middle of ‘Deal No Deal’ and before I manage a 'hello' I get an earful of :

“I hope youre ready monkey boy!”

The pleasantries mean the Bear (Brad Robinson) is on his way and he is bringing ‘Dog’ (Steve Walton) with him. It also means its Yarmouth time again and from here on until Sunday everyone is called by nickname or any other abusive word that springs to mind.

My dad and mum finish their tea and get up to head back to their house.

“whose picking you up ?”

“the Dog and the Bear”

They haven’t the faintest idea what Im talking about and to be honest neither have I so we leave it like that. They leave and Im close behind, bag in one hand, pool cue in the other and the duvet chucked across my shoulders. Its pretty much standard kit for another ‘mobile home weekend of a lifetime’ at the Vauxhall Caravan Park.

19:04pm

The £80k BMW driven by Brad is purring along beautifully. My mortgage is only another 50k on top and that's a scary thought. My learned animal friends then inform me that in 12 months the car is only worth 35K after depreciation. The only thing I can think of that compares to losing that much cash in 12 months is following the Lee Greenwood Greyhound Tipping Line. :cry:

20:20pm

Confusing messages about Gary Hoad and an eighty pound deposit on the caravan start coming in from Captain Terry. Its not the last we are going to hear about it.

21:05pm
As the fabled green lights of the caravan park appear on the horizon we take a group decision to head to Asda in order to stock up on food. We split up and head around the supermarket to pick up supplies. Brad and I get bananas, some bread, bacon, milk, teabags, cheese, ham, beef, toilet rolls, Guinness, washing up liquid and Orange juice – Steve has managed to buy crumpets, a crate of Fosters, six muffins and some Utterly Butterly ?! :?

21:32pm

We park up and now face the traditionally arduous journey of trying to carry all our stuff from the car to the caravan. As usual we have the caravan that is at the furthest point away from where we are - its almost next to Asdas. Im having flashbacks to that game that they used to play on Crackerjack. You know the one where the kid stands there and they just keep piling more games and toys on him until he drops something and then they hand him a cabbage. If we had only bought some cabbages …..

21:36pm

Finally we make it to van. Steve trails in last after his box of Fosters splits and they all fall out over the muddy grass. He has to put them inside his duvet cover and use it as a sack. We are greeted by Gary Hoad the final housemate in this Big Brother experiment for caravans. It takes about 43.5 seconds before someone ‘drops one’ and already the caravan smells like the inside of a bacon crisp packet.

22:14pm

Off to the practise rooms now and time to enjoy the benefits of being up here on a Thursday instead of Friday. Its taken us only 2 ½ hours to get here and the room is practically empty except for John Shiel, Leon Stanley and Michael Tizzard. The Bear, the Dog and I play first to 5 for a fiver and the Bear beats us 5-4-3. Gary joins us and after a toss of coins its decided that Brad and I take on Steve and Gary in a first to 3 Scotch Doubles for another fiver. I lose yet again as Brad rattles ball after ball from 2-1 up. Im down £10 after an hour of arriving and the only one who is out of pocket – Ive been tucked right up. :x

12:35am

My pleasant cup of tea and Dairylea sandwich is being ruined by what seems to be a never ending discussion about the £80 deposit on the van. Three of us are trying to point out the madness off handing over £20 each only to be given it back in three days. The conversation turns into a farce once Im told you pay 30% interest on credit card cash withdrawals. It must be the homemade overproof Rum talking. :wink:

2:50am

I finally get to bed, well, couch. Ive drawn the Chez Lounge for the next three days while the Bear takes the double bed, Dog and the Hoadster have the two single rooms. Terry, Danny Rajput, Chris ‘Farrah’ Fawcett, Andy Brant and Ray Wootton are due to arrive on Friday and will be holed up in the caravan next door.

The team for the Maidenhead League looks something like this :

Brad Robinson
Keith Walls
SteveWalton
Gary Hoad
Andy Brant
Terry Dingley
Danny Rajput
John Shiel
Chris Fawcett
Bob Hope
No Hope :roll: